ucla in control

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SoCalHoops News

It's Official: LA Daily News Declares
UCLA NOT "Out Of Control"--(Apr. 6, 2001)

Remember yesterday's Daily News Poll? The one which appeared on the front page of the newspaper? Well in case you've been getting too much aluminum in your diet, or missed your daily dose of gingko biloba, here's what appeared on the front page of the Daily News yesterday (April 5, 2001):

Well, we were anxious about the outcome of this poll. . . . could the public be trusted? Would they be swayed by Billy Witz' article? Would the voters, like lemmings, be led over the cliff of public opinion, persuaded by anonymous e-mails and sources who would speak only on condition of anonymity?

So we waited. And waited. And like a big election eve night, we sat in front of our computer, accessing the returns, waiting until morning when the next day's edition would declare the fate of the Bruins. . . .What would the Daily News poll declare? What would the verdict be. . . . Oh, what fate would befall the Bruins if (god forbid) the Daily News poll declared (murmurmurmurmurmur) that the Bruins were. . . shhhhhh. . . o u t o f c o n t r o l?

What would Pete Dalis do? What would Steve Lavin do. . . we were certain he'd have to resign in shame, that the University Trustees, the Chancellor would demand nothing less, that there'd be rioting in the streets if the finding of vox populi was that the Bruin's men's basketball program was OUT OF CONTROL.

But then we saw the paper this morning, and to our immense relief, we saw that the people have spoken.

The people beheld the program, and they saw that it was good.

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UCLA has officially been declared to be "IN CONTROL" by an overwhelming majority: 34.72 people (out of a total of 62) have determined that the Bruin program is NOT OUT OF CONTROL.

And the other 44%. . . .those 27.28 miscreants?

Well, they can eat dirt and die.

Take a hike.

Pound sand.

Because YOU LOSE.

THE PROGRAM IS IN CONTROL.

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

Outvoted, and this ain't Florida, friends. No recounts here.

Everything is under control.

Really. It's been decided.

Out of Control loses, and In Control wins.

We just thought you should know.

Thank you, Daily News.

Thank you.